YESSSSS....

This past year has been...just...wow. So much has happened to me. I've grown a lot--as a person, as a friend, as an Aanishnabe, as an artist...I've grown to the point that I've realized how much more I still need to grow, more and more, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

For a long time I thought I was humble. I used to wallow a lot in self depreciation and...and hate. So much hate, and resentment and hopelessness. I used to believe that, because I felt I had no worth, I must have had humility in spades.

I'm still trying to understand it all, but now I realize that I wasn't humble at all.

There was an arrogance there, a warped, dark pride. It's a strange thing I'm still trying to grasp, but I had this unconscious sense of entitlement to something. Maybe an entitlement to contentment. Yes, that sounds about right. I felt entitled to simply be content in my hate and never live up to any sort of expectation. I felt entitled to do nothing. I felt entitled to be nothing.

It was my right. My privilege.

Wow, writing this makes me realize how selfish I was.

I can't believe, now, that I was happy to simply sit around and waste away while there's an ENTIRE WORLD out there passing me by. A world filled with people who have REAL reason to hate themselves, REAL reason to resent life, REAL reason to let go of hope! What the hell is wrong with me!

I have a TALENT, a talent that, if nurtured, can grow into something inspiring and beautiful. Traveling as an artist's assistant (for that's what I've been doing this past year) has opened my eyes to a world of possibility, a world of CHOICES that could lead to unfathomable DESTINIES and--and--AND POSSIBILITIES. There's so much beauty in this fantastic and awesome world that The Creator has crafted for us! There's beauty, and there is ugliness, but I've also seen that darkness, evil and ugliness are NOT fates that are set in stone for humanity. They are inevitable forces in this mysterious world, but so is goodness and love, and the people who are capable of harboring any of these things are capable of transformation, and that self-transformation can extend into the world and trigger phenomena beyond human expectation, beyond mortal understanding of limitation and possibility.

One person, bad or good, can change the world FOREVER.

And if I happen to be one such person, then I want to change my world for the better, in love and virtue and humility and GOODNESS.

I want to bless people!

I've come to believe (or choose to believe) that art is my destiny, and that I can do...something with it. What, I haven't the slightest flipping clue. Just something. That's my focal point, my starting line; I have a long, long way to go, but it starts here, now, with cheap acrylic paint, dollar store paint brushes, office pencils, worn paper of varying quality, and canvases. And everything I've learned, and knowledge that will allow me to open myself to learn MORE.

I wanna grow!

My goal is be a person, an artist, of permanent purpose. Vague purpose, or solid purpose--as long as it's a good purpose, it's MINE.

I will not wallow in my hate.

I will not be content with selfish obscurity.

I will not accept that I am worthless.

I will not stop dreaming, or learning, or growing.

I will not loose hope. I refuse.

I will believe. I will fight.

I may revert from time to time back into that broken little girl with no future and no nope. I may cry myself to sleep. I may write angsty poetry about how HORRIBLE my little life is and how ALONE I am. I may look into a mirror and absolutely abhor what I see. I may, I may, I may.

Oh, who am I kidding. I WILL. But that's okay. I'm young and petulant, right now. I'm human, always. I will probably never stop being a child, in that way.

(Not that long ago, realizing and admitting such a thing would have horrified and infuriated me--another testimony to my stupidity, ignorance, and childishness. Such pride. Such bondage. OOOOH, I JUST WANNA SLAP MYSELF SOMETIMES, REALLY.)

Buuuut, I will recover again and move forward. I will always rise again; I believe that. That is something I will make true.

The Aanishnabe spirituality teaches that humility is knowing and honoring yourself as a sacred part of Creation; I think I'm finally starting to understand what the elders have been trying to tell me my entire life. It feels so good, like I'm really coming closer to The Creator, to my culture, to MYSELF.

I suppose what I'm getting at here is that I've transformed into a new kind of artist. Expect...something else from me. Something more. Eventually, soon, I don't know when.

But I will always be a fangirl so don't expect me to stop drawing fanart, LOL

CHEESE AND RICE ANYWAYS. I NEED A SMOKE AFTER ALL OF THAT PHILOSOPHICAL STUFF (another thing I picked up in my travels...uh, oops. The smokes, that is. And the philosophy, I suppose).

I feel like I have more to say but I think it's best if I just end this entry here.

G'NITE, MY LOVLIES.

-  Shaan